This Thanksgiving, Holding Grief and Gratitude

At this moment, many of us are thinking about Thanksgiving, coming up next week for those of us in the United States.

You may be thinking about taking a few days away from work, kids being out of school, reunions with friends and relatives, excitement for holiday foods, and trying to remember not to indulge in too many kinds of pie!

Thanksgiving is a time to talk about gratitude.

Gratitude is so powerful – research has documented the social, physical, and psychological benefits of gratitude. It is good for our mental and physical health – a healing step in these challenging pandemic times. Gratitude increases happiness and “boosts feelings of optimism, joy, pleasure, enthusiasm, and other positive emotions…it also reduces anxiety and depression.”

Before you go any further, take a minute or two to reflect on what you are feeling grateful for right now.

What came up? You may be grateful to be breathing – or to have a body that transports you from place to place. You may be grateful for family and friends, meaningful work, good health, or food that nourishes you.

As much as we may embrace gratitude, Thanksgiving is a time of grief for some.

For Native American people, Thanksgiving is not a celebration. It is a National Day of Mourning: The annual celebration of the arrival of Pilgrims and the First Thanksgiving is also a reminder of the genocide and loss that Native Americans experienced.

As much as I appreciate so many blessings and feel thankful for the opportunity to come together with family or friends, I “can’t unsee” that gratitude is only one part of the story, nor can I ignore the negative meaning it has for others.

Over the past year, The Ross Collective has led a number of conversations on racial equity with nonprofit boards and teams. A challenge in facilitating these conversations is conveying the necessity of talking about race, sharing race stories and unpacking the culture of these organizations.

So much of the challenge emerges from the conflicting stories that people of different racial backgrounds bring to conversations, organizations, and relationships.

In his book Race Talk and the Conspiracy of Silence: Understanding and Facilitating Difficult Dialogues on Race, Derald Wing Sue describes two types of stories: “White Talk” and “Back Talk.” White Talk portrays the United States as being the land of opportunity in which everyone has equal opportunity, racism is a thing of the past, and it is better to be color-blind since the United States has moved beyond race. In contrast, Back Talk “voices a hidden transcript by people of color that contradicts these stories and unearths ugly secrets of how white people’s advantaged positions are attained through oppression, power and privilege” (37).

Not being able to see the Back Talk story is a form of blindness. This blindness can lead to racism, microaggressions or failing to create a welcoming environment for all. The equity work we’re doing with organizations focuses on bringing out that Back Talk story by talking clearly and honestly about power and privilege.

When we think deeply about Thanksgiving, we may be familiar with the dominant story – of gratitude and thanks. I’m not suggesting we ignore that story. But it’s only one part of the story. It’s only the "true" story for some people.

What would it mean to hold the heartbreaking, tragic meaning of the holiday – along with the gratitude?

I was speaking with a friend regarding this very subject; he shared the conversation he had with his daughter, who is eight. He found it important to maintain and share with his family the personal sentiment of gratitude and reflection, to see the challenges they have overcome, and how they continue to grow through the achievements of their children. He also finds it important to embrace the effect of the first Thanksgiving in history and not turn a blind eye to the series of events that came from the origins of the United States.

With friends and family, we each have the opportunity to look for and raise up the Back Talk story, recognizing the truth along with the lore.

The path to liberation and justice recognizes those two stories.

Wishing you a gratitude-filled and heartfelt Thanksgiving.

For another perspective on Thanksgiving, read this piece on the importance of acknowledging the painful truths in our country and in organizations.