Three important lessons from a mentor who is no longer with us

We each have mentors that we haven’t spoken with in a while. We know that those people will be there when we need them again.

We lose touch because we’re busy. Or we received the wisdom and support that we needed at the time, so our interactions felt complete.

Recently, a colleague reached out to process a traumatic departure from a nonprofit job.

After hearing her story, I referred her to Toni Littlestone, just as I’ve referred many other colleagues over the years who were in a time of transition.

My colleague sent Toni an email requesting a meeting, and got back a note from Toni’s friend that Toni passed away on July 9, 2022.

What?

I read the note and felt a combination of shock and sadness.

But…but…but – Toni’s LinkedIn is still active! Her website is still up! No one told me!

And more deeply-–there are things I wish I’d had the chance to tell Toni.

Toni Littlestone was a Bay Area career coach who supported thousands of people over the years.

I was referred to her many years ago after a traumatic job departure. I needed to make sense of what had happened to me and find a way to move forward.

My first takeaway from our time together is that hard things happen in life. Sometimes no one is to blame – and we don’t need to blame ourselves.

We do need to find ways to process what has happened: Talk it through, try to make sense of what happened, and find a path forward.

Toni’s superpower of compassion illuminated a path forward for me, and, I imagine, for many others. 

The second thing I learned from Toni was about the power of focused attention in coaching or consulting. When I started out, I was self-conscious that I didn’t know enough and that I didn’t have enough experience.

As I shared these doubts with Toni, she reminded me that, for all of us, it is so valuable to have the caring attention of someone on the path with us.

Toni was right. I don’t need to know everything (and I tend to know more than I give myself credit for!). It is equally important to be present for what emerges, and accompany clients on the journey towards building alignment and understanding.

The process that Toni modeled – of compassionate, present attention combined with a plan for action – is at the core of The Ross Collective’s work.

Toni gave me and so many others the courage and confidence to work in that way.

The third big lesson from Toni was how hard it is to build a business: Toni shared that, of her clients who start businesses, 80% don’t continue. She explained that many people who start businesses learn that they don’t want to do the business development or marketing to keep the business going.

Toni probably shared this as a reminder that going into consulting was difficult. But it became a challenge:

What mindful actions do I need to take to go against the statistic and be in the successful 20%?

I’ve asked this question again and again and use it with clients – what mindful actions can an individual or group take to move towards success?

I got the news of Toni’s passing right before celebrating the Jewish New Year, which felt fitting.

For Jews, this time of year explores the existential themes of who will be inscribed to live for another year; it’s about using our time for good and deepening our awareness of how short that time is.

I feel sad that I lost touch with Toni and that I didn’t have the chance to tell her again how much her counsel and presence meant to me and improved my life. This post is the thank you note, to reflect on the power of mentors like Toni in supporting our work.

As we spent time getting to know each other during a tumultuous time, I realize now that Toni instilled a new kind of confidence to move forward even when things are uncertain. This reflection leads me to recognize that her influence is baked into what I do now with The Ross Collective. I think that legacy is a way that she continues to live on, in my life at least. I can’t thank her enough for how she affected my life, helping me to build up my career to that point. I do wish I could share these reflections with her directly, but I hope you’ll benefit from her teachings, or least my interpretations.

As you read this, perhaps you’ll reflect on a mentor or colleague who has supported your work, and tell that person while you can how much they mean to you.