My Toughest Consulting Gig—and the Surprising Lessons It Taught Me
There I was, at my dining room table, looking at my consulting ”partner,” Nora (not her real name).
I was furious.
Enough was enough.
“Stop talking to me like that!” I yelled. “I’m sick of your disrespect!”
Nora was quiet. She didn’t say anything. During the few months we worked together, I had stayed calm - even as it got more challenging to work together. I don’t think she anticipated the level of my anger.
I don’t think I anticipated the level of my anger!
But this was it - I had lost my temper. Which never happens in a work context.
And I was red-hot furious at Nora.
But let me back up.
Just starting out as a consultant
Many years ago, I was just starting out as a baby consultant.
I was invited to apply to lead a strategic planning process for a local nonprofit.
I knew a lot about the environment of this organization’s work, but was not experienced in strategic planning. So I looked around for someone to partner with me.
A colleague suggested Nora, who had done a little bit of strategic planning in the past. I didn’t know her well but after a brief coffee meeting, we agreed to apply for the project together.
We applied and were selected.
I ignored the red flags
Even in the contracting stage, I saw red flags that I ignored. Nora approached the creation of our contract with what felt to me to be a lack of trust in our collaboration and in the client, such as fearing theft of our intellectual property.
Once the contract was signed, our “collaboration” headed deeper into disaster. We divided up the project. I was assigned to conduct Discovery interviews. Nora suggested a process and timeline. I was on track with our timeline, but Nora complained that I hadn’t submitted my work “early.”
As her frustration grew, so did Nora’s disrespect. She told me I didn’t know anything about strategic planning. She told me that I should stop working on this project and just hand it over to her, who actually knew how to do this.
The first time she said those things, I was in shock. Did she just say what I thought she said? Do people actually talk that way?
I reached out to family members, friends, and colleagues to get support. I was just starting out as a consultant so I didn’t know if maybe this is how consulting sometimes works?
Everyone told me that she sounded mean and that I needed to set boundaries.
ID: Person in pink top holding up a large orange hand, dark green background
Setting a boundary - finally
Cue up the situation at my dining room table.
And Nora once again started to say that I didn’t know anything about strategic planning and that I should get off the project.
And I lost it. I told her, with fury, that it wasn’t all right for her to speak to me in that way and that I wanted it to stop right away.
I don’t remember how that meeting ended, but she left not too long after.
I sent her a follow up note saying that our communication needed to be professional.
Meanwhile (as you might imagine!), the project was not on track. Not long after that, our client fired us. Which, for me, was a huge relief. We were a terrible team.
Four lessons from a horrible experience
To say that this was a horrible experience doesn’t even begin to cover it. What was most traumatic was my crisis of confidence. Was Nora right? Did I have no expertise of value?
It took me a while to rebuild my confidence and trust myself. What came out of this experience are four principles that inform all of The Ross Collective’s work:
Collaboration and leadership should feel good and energizing
For a long time after this, I refused to collaborate with anyone. After getting burned, I only wanted to work on my own.
Upon reflection, I had not been careful about the terms of our collaboration: Could we actually work together? Who would be responsible for which part? Neither of us were “bad” consultants. We had different workstyles.
Eventually I started to collaborate with colleagues on projects - which has been a joy and win-win, as we are able to bring a team of several different perspectives to serve our clients.
My rule now is to find out how we plan a meeting together before signing on for a four- or six-month project! We don’t have to be compatible with everyone. And since I am the managing partner of the firm, I get to build teams that energize me and bring out the best in each of us.
We also encourage our clients to build organizations with caring, collaborative leadership across the board and staff to support them to make changes when needed. We’ve written extensively about toxic leadership - because we understand the cost.
2. There is enough for everyone - and your success is my success.
This story came to mind because I’m teaching courses in Nonprofit Strategic Planning and Nonprofit Consulting this June. (Join us, there are spaces available!) I’m also working on a book about The Ross Collective’s work leading inclusive strategic planning processes.
Some people (like Nora) might say that by sharing our process and learning with others, we’re giving away too much.
I don’t see it that way.
Since this experience many years ago, Nora has built (what appears to be) a successful consulting firm -- and we’ve built a successful consulting firm in The Ross Collective.
We believe in an abundant shared future - rather than a zero sum. There’s enough for each of us! Our success has come alongside all of the fabulous colleagues and clients who have supported and boosted our work - and vice versa.
So as we address inequities in our work, we seek to amplify, support, and build - in order to expand the pie - rather than holding on tightly as if the pie isn’t big enough. There is no Planet B. We need to figure out how to work together, share, and redistribute the resources we have.
3. Anger and frustration may hold important truths
Although the message wasn’t delivered well, there was some truth in what Nora shared. At that time, I didn’t know much about strategic planning or facilitation - or consulting!
After that, I went on a learning journey. I did many hours of training in Technology of Participation facilitation. I worked with mentors and coaches. I learned, practiced, and improved.
So when we hear people expressing anger or frustration, we think about the truth that might be contained in this expression of strong emotion. As we have written before, “When leaders and teams feel seen and recognized with their pain and their strengths, organizations move forward, relationships deepen and genuine gratitude emerges.”
4. Fight the bullies…with power and love
This story also came to mind now due to the destructiveness happening on the Federal level. The current MAGA regime has the stated goal of “shock and awe” as well as causing trauma to those who oppose them, such as Federal workers.
Those of us who have experienced past disrespect may become non-confrontational and smaller in the face of bullying. That was my reaction at the beginning. Not surprisingly, it didn’t work. It was only when I connected with my anger about how I was being treated that the dynamic shifted.
In the face of the bullying and cruelty at the Federal level, an easy path is to be non-confrontational. It is tempting to pretend that it isn’t actually happening and that someone else will stand up for justice.
But the destructiveness taking place is so rampant that we need to connect with our anger and take action. We need to use our power as human beings to protest, call our representatives, and speak up about how all of this is impacting our communities.
It has taken a long time to open up about this experience. It felt bad and shameful. And yet these hard experiences are clarifying. How important is it for us to move towards nurturing, positive leadership? (Answer: VERY!) Who do we want to work with and what kind of work environment do we want to build for our clients and ourselves?
If you want our support building plans or leading retreats that create positivity, energy, and inclusion, reach out! We’d be happy to discuss. This experience shaped the values by which we approach our work on a daily basis. We’re excited to share them with you.
